The Day has Come

Today is the day that I have dreaded for this past year. I miss her so much. How do I say goodbye? How do I let this go? How do let her go? I miss her. I want her to be here, but I know that isn’t possible. I know she is here in spirit. I know that I need to let her go because its healthy. I miss her. That’s all I can say. My tears fall for her. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to be able to hear her favorite songs and not bawl like a baby. I know she has others who miss her, but none compare to the loss of a mother that a child suffers. My thoughts are with my brother. I know he misses her too. I love her. I miss her….Good bye mommy, I will always have you in my heart and my soul. Please be our guardian angel and watch over us.

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Time to let go

Tomorrow marks the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing.  Its going to hurt to let her go, but I know that I cannot grieve forever. I miss her with every fiber of my being and I never thought I would hurt this much when she passed. I also thought she would live longer. She never got to know my fiance. I know that she would have loved him as much as I love him. I don’t know how I will learn to let her go. Writing this is so very difficult. I loved her even amongst our differences. I just really don’t want tomorrow to come. Its going to be difficult. I miss her. I just can’t really explain it any other way, except that I really really miss her.

I Just don’t know!!!

I don’t know what I am going to do. It hurts everyday. I want her back. I just wish she hadn’t passed away when I was headed to see her. I never got to say goodbye. I miss her so much. I loved her so much and I never got to tell her one last time. It hurts so bad. Why does this pain still remain? Why does it feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest everyday? Why do I feel so incomplete? She never got to meet James. I really think that she would have liked him. I know steve did.

I will let everyone know when that stops hurting, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Its going to be a long time.

Days coming!!!!

The days are growing shorter to the anniversary of my mother’s passing. I miss her so much these days. I am going incommunicado that day to properly grieve. I haven’t really let myself have a good ugly cry since she passed. I want to just cry everyday. It doesn’t take much for me to cry these days. Anything can set me off. I miss her. That’s all I can say most days is that I really miss her. I want her here so I can talk to her. I have so much to tell her and talking to her damn urn just  isn’t the same. I Miss her so damn much.

How does it still hurt two years later? How does it feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest still? I want to be normal. I want to laugh and tuck my babies into bed and hold them and kiss them. God!!! It hurts so bad. I hate these feelings that I have. I hate hurting so much. I MISS HER WITH EVERYTHING IN MY BEING!! I WANT TO YELL AT HER TO COME BACK! 😦

Trying to accomplish what I set out to do

Some days is so difficult to get through. I set out to become someone to this world, but at 19, that dream crashed. I tried to put that dream away and not feel depressed because I didn’t acheive this dream. So now another dream is shot because one person is vindictive. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I hate having these feelings. I miss them so much….there are anniversaries coming up that I want to hide from, but I know that I can’t. Life goes on. Those who have passed wouldn’t want us to hide from life, but to live it…..

Some of my inspiration

When my ex walked out the front door 6 years ago, I thought I was lost and that my world wouldn’t go on. But I use my favorite artist, Reba McEntire, to get through some of the toughest times of my life. Now I  have a man who makes me happy and I don’t know what I would do without him.

“He says he loves her, what can you say to that

He’s made up his mind and there ain’t nothin’ you can do
And as you swallow hard, maybe you drive all night
Tryin’ to figure out where the whole thing started goin’ wrong
And in the silence something begins to unravel
You never knew him like you’ll be knowing him now

[Chorus]
Fallin’ out of love and back into your life
Pullin’ your heart out from under the knife
Closin’ the door on all those dreams you used to know
Fallin’ out of love and back on your feet
Turnin’ away from that dead end street
Finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go

That’s when he called you up out of the blue one day
And you know he thinks he’s talkin’ to the girl you used to be
So when you tell him he’s just a memory
Ain’t it funny how his voice cracks when you’re sayin’ goodbye
And in the silence something begins to unravel
He never knew you like he’ll be knowing you now

[Chorus]

Oh and nothing feels as good as letting go!”

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., LEIBER & STOLLER MUSIC PUBL

“When you walked out that door
I was so sure my world had ended
So sure I’d never get over you

On that first night alone
I cried so many tears it scared me
So many dreams that I had to let go
But now I know

That the world still turns and the sun still burns
And that’s what I’ve learned without you
And the days roll on and my heart gets stronger too
Don’t think I didn’t love you
Just because I made it through
But I learned to love myself
Without you

I take myself to dinner
And I go to the movies solo
That’s something I never did before

You may not understand this
But I don’t’ wait on invitations
I’m not afraid of the great unknown
Of being alone cause the

The world still turns and the sun still burns
And that’s what I’ve learned without you
And the days roll on and my heart gets stronger too
Don’t think I didn’t love you
Just because I made it through
But I learned to love myself
Without you

I can even see myself
Falling in love with somebody else
Ready to take that chance again
Cause I know now
What I didn’t know then

That the world still turns and the sun still burns
And that’s what I’ve learned without you
And the days roll on and my heart gets stronger too
Don’t think I didn’t love you
Just because I made it through
But I learned to love myself
Without you”

© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

“I laid there feeling sorry for myself
In a bed of Kleenex
Stuffin’ chocolates in my mouth
On the phone with my best friend cussin’ my ex
He broke my heart
Felt like the world had ended
I cried myself to sleep
Thinkin’ I can’t get over him

[Chorus]
Strange, talk about luck I woke up
And, the sun was shining
Strange, I ought a be in bed with my head
In the pillow cryin’ over us
But I ain’t, ain’t love
Strange

Got half a mind to spend my whole paycheck
On one of those dresses
Those strapless black ones
That are so famous for teaching lessons
Dropped by his place
Picked up the rest of my things
He’ll tell me I look good
I’ll laugh and say yeah I will in time

[Chorus:Repeat x2]

Strange

Strange, talk about luck I woke up
And, the sun was shining
Strange, strange”

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC, MAJOR BOB MUSIC, INC.